It's a Nifle Life
by Ryusosen
Summary: AU oneshot where Cloud, Tifa and Sephiroth are all 17 years old. Some AerisCait Sith bashing as well! Humorous look on a CloudSephiroth pairing.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own anything created by Squaresoft/Square-Enix.

Warnings: Hmm... well drugs, YAOI, some slight violence I suppose, and some serious Aeris/Cait Sith bashing mwahaha.

CHAPTER 1 - THE ONLY CHAPTER

Cloud sat on a sofa, reading a magazine called "17 Magazine". There's an interesting article over getting "that guy"… Cloud can't help but be intrigued at this, noticing all the ideas and tips he'd never heard of. This would be perfect, he thought. "Hehe…" Maybe he'd finally get what he wanted!

He jumped up, and ran to his front door, shouting at his mom he'd be home in a few hours. He slipped into his red Toyota and quickly drove off from his suburban home to the main teenager hangout-spot, where he knew Sephiroth would be.

He parked his car outside of the abandoned warehouse, and got out. After stretching in the cold wind, he wrapped his arms around himself as he walked up to the open building. He stepped inside after he looked over at the river behind the warehouse where a bunch of seniors sat. He walked underneath the rafter, and the musty scent of old cardboard boxes washed over him. The only light came from trash cans filled with fire.

A bunch of people were coughing and hacking, and Cloud hardly fit in with the crowd with his preppy clothes.

He walked up to a senior girl with long, black hair who stood behind a larger can and said, "Hello Tifa."

"Ah! Cloud, what are you doing here? I thought you weren't '_into all this stuff'_ as you put it." She said in a mocking voice.

"Haha… actually I'm looking for Sephiroth."

"Yeah I always thought you seemed like you played for the other team."

"Pssh… Just tell me where he is."

"Well he's not here, I know that much. I told him to be here, but noo, he had to go off somewhere else with that chick."

"Just tell me where Tifa."

"Hmph. Fine, he went to the McDonald's down there." She pointed with her fingers down south a little ways.

"Thanks Tifa!" Cloud said with a sarcastic grin. She shooed him away and turned back to her fiery trash can which her friends were throwing leaves into, giving them all buzzes.

So then Cloud zoomed off in his red Toyota, going down the road to the McDonald's. While driving, a humongous white blob flew across his windshield, almost bursting it. "HOLY -!"

"Zoo-zoo-zooo-zoo-zoooo!" The blob shouted.

Cloud slammed on his brakes and ran out of his car, seeing a humongous, fat cat in front of his car. "What THE f-!"

"Pewpewpew thank you for stopping me from falling! I was being shipped off to Nifleheim because I have some business, but I was shot down! Can you _believe _that!"

"What. The."

"Hey wanna give me a ride? Pleease?"

"What…? You are one messed up biological organism. I'm out of here."

"Heeey come on!"

"No. Shoo you stupid dog…

"Hey! I'm not a dog."

"Man, I must be going crazy… Seeing talking dogs fall from the sky." Cloud drove off quickly from Cait Sith and went onwards to McDonald's.

He was getting really annoyed now, that had cost him about five minutes. He hoped Sephiroth would still be at McDonald's.

Once again, he was driving, shrugging off that weird feeling of someone following him… it better not be that stupid dog he had imagined. He looked in his rearview mirror, and he saw his dead girlfriend chasing after him. "What. The. F...!"

"Clooooud!" Aeris was following him. He swerved his steering wheel in response and his Toyota flipped over entirely. He crawled out of the car's window and stared up at Aeris's ghastly body.

"Whyyyy havvve yooouuu forgoootten abooout meeee Cloooud?"

"Uhh… Sorry, I gotta go Aeris. Um, maybe I'll see you later..? Haha…ha…" Cloud got up and ran from the ghost of Aeris, scuffed all over. Even his new shirt!

"I'll help you, buddy!" Cloud turned around and watched as Cait Sith jumped in the air and pounded Aeris into the ground like a hammer to a nail.

"Noooo! Cloooud! Hellllp meeee!" Aeris screeched.

"No need to thank me!"  
"But I think I will. Thank you… uh…"

"Cait Sith."

"Okay… Seeya…" Cloud began to run quickly away from the crash site… then realized what had just happened to his car…

"CRAP! Jesus, I must be going insane…"

He ran all the way to McDonald's where he entered through the front door. He spotted the long, flowing, silver hair he so longed to hold, and tiptoed up behind it. Just as he was about to put his hands around Sephiroth's eyes, he sneezed; but he ducked behind the trash can just in time, not looking back at Sephiroth.

He got back up slowly, and did what he wanted – to surprise his love! But as soon as he clasped his face, it fell out of the chair and he realized it was only a puppet!

Then, as soon as this happened, he felt a silky pair of hands encompass his own eyes, and then that deep voice say, "Guess who."

Cloud grabbed the hands with his own, and turned around to see his Sephiroth, leaning in on him. Right in the middle of McDonald's they stood.

Then Yuffie popped out of nowhere and stole their Materia.

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So please R&R guys! This is myfirst attempt at a humour story (albeit it's more random than humourous).


	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER TWO – THE LOST CHAPTER?

"Oh my god, I don't know who I am anymore!"

"Shut up Sephy… you're so emo, why don't you go listen to Simple Plan."

Cloud and Sephiroth were lounging around in Cloud's family room, his mother was gone.

"And that bitch stole our material! Waaa."

"Ugh.. quit whining."

So they griped and complained to each other and then had great makeup sex.

Later that night…

"You know Sephy… I got this kickass movie from a friend, it's apparently scary to just have it. She said that the rumour behind it is that if you watch it, you'll die in seven days."

"Pop it in, biotch."

Cloud and Sephiroth sat together on his couch while they watched the movie. They saw quick flashing images of a girl in front of a mirror, a hole in the ground that seemed like it might be a well, then it showed the girl again and, "Holy crap, Sephy! It's AER-ASS!"

"NOOOO!"

No sooner than they had realized what they had seen, Aeris began to crawl through the TV screen, her limbs convoluted and her voice filled with phlegm and combobulation. Her head twitched and her eyes seemed to be black, concave holes in her face, with small amounts of pale blood trickling from the holes.

"Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy haaave yooooouuu fooorsaaakennnn meeee Clooooud?"

Sephy grabbed a broom and tried to beat Aeris away with the blunt end, but she crawled around on the floor quickly, like a cockroach.

"Thaaaat woooon't wooork myyyy deeear… Yooou seee, I neeeverrr gaaainnneeed myyy ullltimaaaate Liiimiiit Breeeak becaaause I diiied toooo sooon… Buuut nooow I'mmm baaack annnnd I'llll ussse ittt onnn yooooooooou!"

Sephiroth screamed and went into the fetal position while Cloud could only look on.

"GREEEAT GOSSSPEEEEL BIOOOOTCH!"

"NOOOO!" And then he was thrown back into Cloud's bedroom and fell asleep.

"Don't make me pop a cap." Said Cloud

"Juuuust tryyy itttt!" Aeris screamed.

Then, Yuffie popped down from the ceiling, handing Cloud the Omnislash manual, Knights of the Round and W-Summon. Then he activated these abilities, sending Aeris back into the movie.

Cloud saw Aeris crawling around in some dark hole, looking incredibly sad. Then, Cait Sith fell into the hole with her, jumping around her, shouting, "YAY A FRIEND!"

Still in a bad mood, Cloud walked in to his bedroom to see Sephiroth waking up. They promptly had angry sex.

When they were done, Barret rushed through the wall, and shot them hoes up.

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So R&R mah peeps!


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